Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Forgive me, Blogger, for I have sinned...

It's been 5 days since my last blog-fession. Herein lies the primary reason why for so many years this ol' commitment-phobe has refrained from blogging. The pressure to perform. To produce. What if I can't do it? Now, I know that all my faithful readers (all three of you) aren't the ones putting that pressure on me. It's just the perceived pressure. The "I-don't-want-to-consistently-let-down-my-peeps-every-time-they-check-my-blog-only-to-see-there-are -no-new-posts-and-thus-discover-how-boring-I-truly-am" syndrome. However, most of you already know that by now anyway. Or maybe you don't. Allow me to enlighten you. If I were to peel back the curtain of my life these days, you would generally find me cutting the crusts off of PB & J's (in my spit-up stained sweats), sans shower and teeth brushed, dodging phone calls from the IRS. Sound glamorous? It's more of a post-modern glamor, I think. This is why you'll never read a blog by me entitled, "Mommy-ing for Jesus" or "The Joy of Biblical". I just can't quite seem to cut it. That, and I hardly think I'm one to represent.

So the pressure to perform and to produce follows me throughout my life. Especially in being a Christian. I seriously thought about titling my blog "Parenting is" just to see what sort of reaction I would get. It definitely, more accurately describes how I feel on a regular basis. Of course, by "death" I mean death to all things that pertain to my selfish nature. Parenting has taught me just how truly selfish I am. And that, my friends, is no picnic. No walk in the park. Of course, what I get in return for dying, is Life. Jesus said,

Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self.--Matthew 16:25 (Msg)

It's so true. What I get, when I trade in my selfishness, or as Oswald Chambers said it best, my claim to my right to myself, is selflessness. When I trade in my impatience, I get patience in return. For my anger, I get God's peace. My pride, His humility. It's a rather raw deal on His end, if you ask me.

So instead of performing, life, real life, is about dying. Less of me, more of Him. In dying, we live. In laying down our lives, we find that same resurrection life and power that raised Christ from the dead. It is then, and only then, that we truly find ourselves.